Barmaid Syndrome - Some Solutions

In a recent post, I introduced “barmaid syndrome” – the fear a woman has that, after her death, her husband will re-marry, then die leaving everything to the new wife and nothing to the children.

In this post I will examine some of the simpler solutions, and in a future post, I’ll finish off this topic by mentioning the more technical or complex solutions. (I have written this as if I’m writing to a wife, but husbands can have the same problems, with the same solutions.)

Solution 1: Trust the survivor. Reach an agreement with your husband, and have it set out in both of your wills. Then just carry on with your life, trusting and believing that your husband will stick to the agreement.

In reaching this agreement, try to respect the thought that if your husband does remarry, his new wife will have financial needs, which will have to be met, too.

Solution 2: Pay the children upfront. For the very wealthy, this solution is simplest and the best. Make gifts to your children now, while you are still alive. Or, set up your will such that the children get their inheritance on your death, even if you die before your husband. (You might want to couple these ideas with a trust if the children aren’t old enough to handle the money responsibly, yet.) Once you’ve done this, it doesn’t matter what your husband does, since you already know the children will be OK.

In my third post on this topic, I’ll deal with some more technical approaches. In the meantime, though, please think about “Solution 0”: Don’t even have the problem! For the very poor this is the best solution, and even some wealthy people like it. It works like this: tell the children that they will have to make their own way, without any expectation of money from you. Tell your husband that you trust him to do what is right, and that if he remarries you want him to make sure his new wife is provided for. Who knows: your family may be stronger for your refusal to let them be emotionally and financially dependent on you.